(no subject)

I'm really struggling with the shooting in Connecticut. Maybe it's because it's so close to us having our own little person out in this crazy world, maybe it's because the victims were just SO young and innocent and the crime so senseless...maybe I'm just tired of the fact that this has basically become a roughly biannual thing in this country for the past decade and still NOTHING has changed. I'm just exhausted of it all. And people say that it's inappropriate and disrespectful to turn it into a political thing in the immediate wake of such a horrifying situation, which it is, but...when does it become appropriate to have that conversation? People freak out and grieve for a month or so, and then it just fades into the background like a bad memory until it happens again, repeat repeat repeat. Why are we surprised that it keeps happening when nothing is being done to even try to keep it from happening? The lack of restriction on who can own any ol' kind of gun they want, and the lack of access to quality mental healthcare is killing us. And I am not even trying to hear that "guns don't kill people, people kill people". Yes, there has to be a person behind the gun to do the damage, but also? You can't kill that many people that quickly with any other weapon. Case in point, the guy in China who stabbed 22 children on the same day of the shooting. Sure, it's tragic, and clearly the work of someone who is mentally ill on some level, but ALL of those children will be going home to their parents. I'm also not trying to hear that tightening up gun regulations is pointless, because "criminals don't follow laws". Okay, so...by that logic, what's the point in having any laws at all? If criminals don't care about following laws and will do what they want anyway, why have laws on traffic safety or murder or drugs or anything? Also, the idea that the solution to gun violence is the presence of more guns is just INSANE to me. Yes, obviously the answer to school shootings is to have all teachers pack weapons to class. Duh. Because watching your teacher have to shoot a crazy man or woman in cold blood in the middle of the school day is SO MUCH LESS traumatic for anyone involved.

I just can't think of a single reason in the whole entire world why the average civilian needs to have access to guns that shoot high numbers of rounds in a short amount of time. (I don't know all of the terminology for this kind of thing, but you know what I mean). I will never understand how we treat guns and gun ownership like it's nothing. No big deal. Here you go, have them all. I'm not being very eloquent, because I'm sick and tired and sad and rambly. Ironically enough, the day before the shooting, my baby brother's house was robbed while he and his roommate slept, and the very next day, he went out and bought a handgun. Seriously...this 19 year old kid has never owned, held, or shot a gun before, and he just went out and acquired one on less than 24 hours notice. He sure as hell didn't read the manual ("it's not that complicated, Val, you just take the safety off and shoot"), and now it's just chilling behind his bed, likely fully loaded. I'm bothered...a lot. I'm bothered that anyone would do something that makes my sweet baby brother feel unsafe and in need of a gun, I'm bothered by how easily he obtained a gun, I'm bothered at the seemingly high possibility of said gun being misused.

I'm just....sad. I don't want to live in this place anymore. I don't want to bring my baby into a worldcountry where I have to worry about eventually sending her to school, or the mall, or the movies, or anywhere that should for all intents and purposes be a safe place for her to be. I don't want to live in a country where I have to watch all of my friends feel like they should be keeping their children home from school because they're not safe there, or sending them in and crying in fear and anxiety all day long. This shit is ridiculous, and something has got to give.

(no subject)

I am completely floored at how many people in the baby_names community are telling me to spell Madelyn like Madeline/Madeleine. Um, like almost every single person. Why do I seem to be the only person in the whole entire world who thinks that those are completely different names?? I, too, am generally against the influx of "lyn" names, and kre8ive spellings, but in this particular case, I don't think that's what it is...maybe I'm just in denial here, but IMHO, there's a key difference between Mad-uh-LYNN and Mad-uh-LINE.

idk, idk.

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(no subject)

so. my mom is moving in with a guy that she met online like, idk, 6 weeks ago? or, i guess, he's moving in with her. i just...cannot with this. i'm glad that she's happy, but i have big big big concerns, obviously. mostly, i'm worried that she's just recklessly jumping at the first chance to cure her loneliness and need to take care of people, instead of being rational about things. which is strange, because she's always been the most cautious, paranoid person ever. it makes me REALLY uncomfortable that this strange guy is moving into my childhood home, and will be living there way before me or my siblings even get a chance to meet him. i don't know. i don't like it. but as it turns out, she's a grown woman, and she's very sure about doing this, so I guess I'll just keep my mouth shut and hope for the best.

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(no subject)

I'm pretty sure that the vast majority - if not all - of you are either on my FB or follow me on Instagram, but just in case...


I am so ecstatic, I always knew she was a little lady - even though the Chinese gender prediction chart, the penny-on-a-string trick, and her daddy all said that I was dead wrong. Never doubt a mama's intuition. We decided not to share her name until she arrives, but I'm doing a super awesome job at failing that mission, and several people know it by now. It's not a big deal, I guess - everyone will know in a little over 4 months :)

Even though I'm so so so excited to meet our little girl (omg, I'm having a little girl!!), I already know that I'm going to miss this time so much. I adore being pregnant, and it has been the most insanely exciting, loving, bonding experience for J and I, and pretty much everyone else close to us. I can't believe how many people are so anxious to meet this little person and shower her with sweetness <3

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(no subject)

The ultrasound was amazing. Just one baby, exactly as far along as I thought I was (7.5 weeks), due January 7th, heart rate of 148bpm. We couldn't hear it yet, but we saw it beating away on the screen, and I felt 100% fine with that. As soon as the technician pointed it out to us, I started crying the ugly face cry, because THAT'S MY BABY. Suddenly, it went from surreal to absolutely real and holy crap, I have an actual, living baby in there with its own body and independently beating heart. I SAW IT. I could have happily laid on that table forever, just staring at the little blob on the screen. When it was over, as she was pulling the ultrasound stick thing out, she said, "say bye to baby!", and it took every ounce of grown-up in me to resist whining, "nooooooo!" At least I have pictures :)

Is there anything in the world more incredible than this? 'Cause I really don't think so. <3

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(no subject)

I had my first official doctor's appointment yesterday, so freaking exciting. I never thought I'd be so excited to visit an OB/GYN. They didn't do much, just urine and bloodwork, and we talked a bit about my confusion with the dates. Apparently insurance doesn't cover ultrasounds on the first appointment no matter what, so my doctor is having me come back in on Thursday for dating. SO ready to see my little bean! She felt my uterus manually and guesstimated me to be 8-9 weeks, which is interesting, since I thought I was exactly 7 yesterday (or about 11, if my April period really didn't happen). I know it's silly, but I really feel a little bit upset with myself for not knowing when I conceived...it makes the year of charting feel like a big ol' waste of time and money. Oh well. Next time, I know not to stop, even if things feel hopeless. I'm still spending most of my time feeling various degrees of nauseous, but I guess I've been pretty lucky in that I haven't actually gotten sick very much at all....just constantly feel like the possibility's there, which I'm not sure is a whole lot better :P Regardless, this entire experience is just mind-bogglingly amazing and I feel SO fortunate every minute of the day to get to be doing this right now. Even when I feel like absolute shit, I'm *SQUEE*-ing on the inside. When I'm laying next to J, sometimes I'll be like, "We're having a baby. Did you know we're having a baby? 'Cause we totally are. There's a baby inside me." lol, I'm sure that doesn't get annoying AT ALL. He's a good sport though, usually, even if his excitement is just a shade paler than mine.

OH! Here's a thing. We're going to Williamsburg, VA this weekend with my BFF and her family. Originally, the plan was to go to Busch Gardens and Water Country, USA, but when we found out about the beeb, we took Busch Gardens out of the equation since it's basically all roller coasters and other rides that neither me nor my 5 year old goddaughter can do. However, we left Water Country in the itinerary. Is this a good plan? I read the ride restrictions on their website and none of them said anything about pregnancy, but I've been going back and forth on this a lot. Truthfully, I feel like I'm more likely to trip and fall while walking down the street than I am to get hurt on a family-friendly water slide, and I'll obviously use my best judgement while we're there, if I feel like any of them are too aggressive. I feel like it will be fine, but I just so don't want to take any dumb risks. Opinions would be appreciated on that situation. If nothing else, I'll just hang out on the lazy river all day :)

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(no subject)

The Good:

- I got to tell my parents and siblings about the baby this weekend, and they were beyond over-the-moon excited. It was so amazing - my mom seriously sobbed her face off. I showed a friend of mine the videos of their reactions, and she was like, "Dude. When I get pregnant, I'm telling YOUR family first - they're so much more excited than mine would ever be!" It was funny and sweet, but also a tiny bit sad. I have the best immediate family in the world <3

- (I think) I'm officially 6 weeks pregnant today! The more I think about it, the more certain I feel about my dates, but I'm still really anxious to go to the doctor next Monday for confirmation on everything.

The Not-So-Good:

- The sickness phase has officially started, as of yesterday, and holy actual hell. MISERABLE. I kinda sorta appreciate it, since it's basically the only sign I've had so far (aside from the positive tests) that something really is happening in there, but mostly it's just disgusting and awful. I want to personally shake the hand - and maybe even kiss the feet - of whoever invented preggie pops, because they're the only things that really seem to help so far.

- I allowed my mom to tell her mom and sister (who I'm not on speaking terms with) about the baby, and their reactions were abhorrent. Just the most disrespectful, fucked up shit. I didn't necessarily expect anything else from them, but it still makes me angry that they never fail to disappoint. I don't even care, though. That just reinforces my decision to separate myself from them, and make sure that they have zero contact with my child when he or she arrives. Assholes. I won't let them steal one tiny ounce of my joy about this baby.


happy belated mother's day to all of you mommies on my flist <3

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(no subject)

I have a midwife! YAYYYYY! Feeling pretty dang pleased with myself right now. I'm going
to go the birth center route this time, aiming for a waterbirth. For insurance reasons, I'm going to keep my initial appointment on the 21st with my OB, and then transfer care to the birth center for the rest of the pregnancy.

The center's only been open since August, with about 40 births so far, but I feel surprisingly fine about that. She said they've had 3 transfers, all of which were exhaustion-related, and all 3 of which went on to have vaginal births at the hospital. Our insurance is apparently super great about working with them, which is a huge deal, and I really liked all of their answers to my many many questions. So, yep! The only thing is, it's about 50 minutes away in no traffic, which will be great fun in labor. The midwife said ours is actually one of the shortest distances she's heard, so if people can drive down from Virginia and Boone while in labor, I think I can handle our little commute. I'm so excitedddd!

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